I need
under certain conditions
things that I myself require
nothing material
But, something that I feel is necessary or
I am currently lacking something that I envision not for just myself,
but possibly something readily available to share with another
something that keeps me obscurely wanting, but feels so out of reach it's taunting
I need for my soul to feel every beat of your favorite song
and never come to and end
and I need an over abundance of sunshine to brighten all the eyes of those who acknowledge the blue skies
I need for you to know that I do fall apart
and I need someone strong enough to carry what I can't stand to rise
and I need you to comfort my cries,
because for forever it will be evident that your heart dies if you can't visualize my smile
I need to see your eyes near candle light, because the sight of you is sacred
I need for you to know that
I was created for the one who has nowhere else to go,
just know your presence is always welcomed
I need you to know I write poems to Bon Iver in the dark with only one thought,
of You,
that who ever it is that I will love,
I wrote you these poems before even meeting you
I need a warm soul
and I need the laughter of a small child to remind me that in the future being a mother is what I want to be my greatest job.
I need patience,
because the anticipation before the beginning of anything is always the realist
I need you to comprehend the nature of me,
perceive who I am in all aspects
I don't want to always ask why
I need you to know I never missed someone (who is still living) so much in my life
and I need you to know that Boy II Men made me never want to pass anything by
I need you to know that these words
I write are always my truth and this is what I do to mentally sooth.
I need you to know I have a secret or two
I need you to know I cry after reading some of my own writing
I need you to know I am incapable of giving up a fight
I need you to know that I still pray for you every night
I need you to know that I still feel the same
and from experience it takes a long while for people to change
and no one has ever taking me by surprise and when that person does
I know I'm going to give you a chance, because the same always brings lies
I need you to know I love more than the meaning of the word
I rather not fall but stumble upon
I need you to know that I feel much softer and at ease when I hear your name
I need you to know that the memories we made, still play in my head like it all happened yesterday
I need you to know that I hope I wasn't the reason another man has walked away
I need you to know my tears aren't liquid weakness,
but feelings secreting from a place that I don't usually open
I need you to know I'm close
I need you to know
I'm not ordinary
I need you to know
I hug rarely
I need you to know you just can't give up on me
because everybody else did
I need you to know I am never going to give up on you
so stay here with me
"Nobody trust me to know what I know anymore, my memories belong to me"
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Thinking of Me
Thoughts of Me
to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I'm gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
and I can't help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly silent your world of noise
by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a "us"
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together
Thursday, March 15, 2018
I want to set me free as a bird
Away from whatever this is for all eternity
Me, I want to be at liberty
slip through bars break through cement walls
and free myself from my own captivity
but I put myself in a restraint
that refuses me to think of my best memories
I am locked up from emotions, shackled because I can't do as i please
I can't get back to a place when everything outside of these walls wasn't just a dream
and all this time I am incarcerated and I'm loosing me
Enjoying my own personal rights is impossible
When I'm am my own prisoner of me
I only trust myself to keep my soul safe
by emotions, my heart, and my love are fighting to set me free as a bird
mapping out a blueprint of my heart
But I refuse to be set free
I make it difficult for them to spread their wings and start
and breaking through me so i will not be caught in a cement sea of unconventional dreams
they are planning a conspiracy to terminate my own set sentence and set me free my soul free
They want to set me free as a bird
Grow wings that will allow me to fly sweetly
flying through Cumulus clouds that have the love that has a personal attachment to myself and is deeply heavy
All three wants me to exscape
fly far away
Away from whatever this is for all eternity
Me, I want to be at liberty
slip through bars break through cement walls
and free myself from my own captivity
but I put myself in a restraint
that refuses me to think of my best memories
I am locked up from emotions, shackled because I can't do as i please
I can't get back to a place when everything outside of these walls wasn't just a dream
and all this time I am incarcerated and I'm loosing me
Enjoying my own personal rights is impossible
When I'm am my own prisoner of me
I only trust myself to keep my soul safe
by emotions, my heart, and my love are fighting to set me free as a bird
mapping out a blueprint of my heart
But I refuse to be set free
I make it difficult for them to spread their wings and start
and breaking through me so i will not be caught in a cement sea of unconventional dreams
they are planning a conspiracy to terminate my own set sentence and set me free my soul free
They want to set me free as a bird
Grow wings that will allow me to fly sweetly
flying through Cumulus clouds that have the love that has a personal attachment to myself and is deeply heavy
All three wants me to exscape
fly far away
New: Wounded Rhymes
I didn't want to get use to being apart from you
And I didn't want to have a pattern of past moments frequently playing in My mind because repetition is the only way I can go back and with you, spend time
I Remember when you said you weren't going anywhere, no matter what happens.
But it's going on weeks of not seeing each other
And I remember a time when we couldn't go some time without one
another
Not even hours we had to make sure we saw each other before the night was over
And I can only think that,
why did I believe you?
What did I do wrong?
Why did I not stop this before
"I Really Like you" went to something further?
I was just your space filler, help the time fly by for you until you found another.
Time spent together feels like none of it meant anything,
and thinking back on it all, my memories are detrimental to my heart, because these memories feel like 1,000 deadly bee stings
And now your claiming that we're just friends...
And we both knew it grew to be something more than that. No matter how much we tried to Deny that.
I think back to everything you confessed on that night into the early morning
And can only feel that this was no special thing, it was just collateral so you can have a spring semester fling
Everything you said makes me so angry
That I wish I could commit mass murder to your verbal language.
Because I'm hurting.
Something you expressed to me that you would never do.
But I guess it is possible for whatever this friendship has turned into
I believed in it all
You made me meet you parents and I thought that maybe that this may be real now
You bought someone important to my job and I finalized that maybe I should open up now
And maybe finally take you up on that date,
but I can't see my self holding myself together in front of you for awhile
I told you about the most vulnerable
organ inside me and it's damage
and thought that maybe you were the one who could operate this time.
But instead, my scar lies stretching across my heart
And here you come picking painful at it without even considering the pain your own heart had felt
...with no second thoughts.
How would you feel if you were me?
Probably nothing, because you depended on just words to guide us through
But my words were not what I relied on to show that I care for you.
You said you would never hurt me
But praying and crying myself to sleep is all that my nights know of.
Rest is impossible, when my mind constantly creates mental images of you and your company that I loved.
And I wake up with tears on my pillow case wishing I never met you at all
There is no way you can understand what I'm going through,
because at the end of the day you don't care and you expressed that on certain situations and that's so sad for the reason that,
I care way to much and my pride doesn't matter when I find something genuine and worth all my time
I hate the fact that I care, for the reason that the moments and feelings we shared together still linger here, and I wish I could drown them
but I can't because that I still have hope for them
Its hurts so much to recite a poem that I previously wrote for you
I never had the chance to show you
But These lines were arranged in a way that expressed how much I felt for you
Now they have disheveled and express the hurt that I couldn't verbalize to you
But now my rhymes took a turn to
only be recited with Hurt
And my emotions took a turn for the worst
And my confusion has escalated so high that confusion is frustrated with itself & it can only burst
And I wish my head didn't jump into all this headfirst
And I'm angry with myself because you are embedded in my mind & I wish you could feel what I feel if this situation was reversed
These lines I wrote for you were once bundles of emotional & passionate lines now they explain the confusion and the false perception you created for us two
These lines have transformed into wounded rhymes
I once wrote to you
"Beautiful has been made up in my mind that beautiful is when you look at me"
with wide eyes you use look at me and say I was beautiful,
Now I can only look back fighting myself not cry, because those same words are being told to another
I thought those same eyes once looked at me in a way that only wanted to focus on us, well that is what I thought.
I wrote
"Eyes staring like your eyes are apart of me, even though they are placed on another body
When your eyes gaze at me, they seem to piece every single missing part of me together constituting me as a whole"
now Im missing piece that i had before you,
And the biggest piece in me I couldn't keep safe or have kept,
And the Beating in my chest, you happen to have stolen,
And that beating in my chest was better then any song or beat we have ever listened to and it's gone,
and no Casey veggies song could make up for the missing piece inside of me.
I wanted to finish that poem but there may be no reason too
I want to hate you so bad but I can't
I want to stop playing every song that I love and feel in love with, along
with you, because they remind me of all the songs I wish I could be sick of
But I'm can't
I'm just going to continue to pray for you, and myself
Because I have no hate in my heart for you, for the reason that I still like you that much.
I just hope you find that happiness and you follow it through, but I must confess no matter how many tears I shed now.
I was at my peak happiness when I was with you.
And I didn't want to have a pattern of past moments frequently playing in My mind because repetition is the only way I can go back and with you, spend time
I Remember when you said you weren't going anywhere, no matter what happens.
But it's going on weeks of not seeing each other
And I remember a time when we couldn't go some time without one
another
Not even hours we had to make sure we saw each other before the night was over
And I can only think that,
why did I believe you?
What did I do wrong?
Why did I not stop this before
"I Really Like you" went to something further?
I was just your space filler, help the time fly by for you until you found another.
Time spent together feels like none of it meant anything,
and thinking back on it all, my memories are detrimental to my heart, because these memories feel like 1,000 deadly bee stings
And now your claiming that we're just friends...
And we both knew it grew to be something more than that. No matter how much we tried to Deny that.
I think back to everything you confessed on that night into the early morning
And can only feel that this was no special thing, it was just collateral so you can have a spring semester fling
Everything you said makes me so angry
That I wish I could commit mass murder to your verbal language.
Because I'm hurting.
Something you expressed to me that you would never do.
But I guess it is possible for whatever this friendship has turned into
I believed in it all
You made me meet you parents and I thought that maybe that this may be real now
You bought someone important to my job and I finalized that maybe I should open up now
And maybe finally take you up on that date,
but I can't see my self holding myself together in front of you for awhile
I told you about the most vulnerable
organ inside me and it's damage
and thought that maybe you were the one who could operate this time.
But instead, my scar lies stretching across my heart
And here you come picking painful at it without even considering the pain your own heart had felt
...with no second thoughts.
How would you feel if you were me?
Probably nothing, because you depended on just words to guide us through
But my words were not what I relied on to show that I care for you.
You said you would never hurt me
But praying and crying myself to sleep is all that my nights know of.
Rest is impossible, when my mind constantly creates mental images of you and your company that I loved.
And I wake up with tears on my pillow case wishing I never met you at all
There is no way you can understand what I'm going through,
because at the end of the day you don't care and you expressed that on certain situations and that's so sad for the reason that,
I care way to much and my pride doesn't matter when I find something genuine and worth all my time
I hate the fact that I care, for the reason that the moments and feelings we shared together still linger here, and I wish I could drown them
but I can't because that I still have hope for them
Its hurts so much to recite a poem that I previously wrote for you
I never had the chance to show you
But These lines were arranged in a way that expressed how much I felt for you
Now they have disheveled and express the hurt that I couldn't verbalize to you
But now my rhymes took a turn to
only be recited with Hurt
And my emotions took a turn for the worst
And my confusion has escalated so high that confusion is frustrated with itself & it can only burst
And I wish my head didn't jump into all this headfirst
And I'm angry with myself because you are embedded in my mind & I wish you could feel what I feel if this situation was reversed
These lines I wrote for you were once bundles of emotional & passionate lines now they explain the confusion and the false perception you created for us two
These lines have transformed into wounded rhymes
I once wrote to you
"Beautiful has been made up in my mind that beautiful is when you look at me"
with wide eyes you use look at me and say I was beautiful,
Now I can only look back fighting myself not cry, because those same words are being told to another
I thought those same eyes once looked at me in a way that only wanted to focus on us, well that is what I thought.
I wrote
"Eyes staring like your eyes are apart of me, even though they are placed on another body
When your eyes gaze at me, they seem to piece every single missing part of me together constituting me as a whole"
now Im missing piece that i had before you,
And the biggest piece in me I couldn't keep safe or have kept,
And the Beating in my chest, you happen to have stolen,
And that beating in my chest was better then any song or beat we have ever listened to and it's gone,
and no Casey veggies song could make up for the missing piece inside of me.
I wanted to finish that poem but there may be no reason too
I want to hate you so bad but I can't
I want to stop playing every song that I love and feel in love with, along
with you, because they remind me of all the songs I wish I could be sick of
But I'm can't
I'm just going to continue to pray for you, and myself
Because I have no hate in my heart for you, for the reason that I still like you that much.
I just hope you find that happiness and you follow it through, but I must confess no matter how many tears I shed now.
I was at my peak happiness when I was with you.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Working & Brunching
I know, I know, where have I been? To answer your questions just somewhere in space. Things have been kinda difficult for me lately, but I think its just a test of strength and love to keep it short. Also, I'm pretty sure when I find the right words, I will be writing my it all in a poem.
But in the mean time, I have been active on my twins youtube channel, so you can def peep me there.
Peace, Joy, and Love
We will catch up soon!
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Blessing on us Both
And that's only because it was almost perfect
Almost worth it
Courting me as if you were done seeking affection from random misses
And I was the one that made you different
The one that made you hope for marriage
Playfully but carefully picked out subtle names for subsequent babies
That you believed, if we had a girl she would drive you crazy
Bc you explained she would look and act like her mother,
Me
Your stubborn, strong willed but delicate lady
I wanted to love this man
Who agreed, our babies would share the same first letter as our names
You would argue, as if I was having your child so bad
that our first daughter would be named after your favorite football team
Bc you are a huge Dallas fan
I miss this man
and it sucks because all I imagine is kissing this man
But I had to write this poem bc it helps me
Release a little bit of you from me at a time
Helps me to cope with the reality that you are no longer mine
Our conversations are now empty and before I could only imagine that what we are putting ourselves through now, could only be a lie
I thought I was close
And now we are both pulling each other on opposite sides of the rope
And I can't trust u to pull me close
And I want to hold you but my hands still burn from the tugging you did on the rope
And I want to love you but I don't want to tie you. down, for fear that you may just go
I prayed that this could work
I cried Bc of hurt
And I shake with the thought of having to face you one day soon, and know I will have to show u what I wrote,
In Jesus name I cried asking him to heal us both
Clarify that this is love, and this may work
In your name I pray renew us both
Get back to what really mattered the most
And relive the night you first met me,
And thought that this girl right here I can't not see her not being beside me
In his name let these words I wrote
Help me release the control that I think I have and let the One Above workout a blessing on us both
I want to love you
Monday, February 23, 2015
Foolish Heart
I'm covered
No one gets to get in
Protected
armor, guards, and big pit pull dogs defend this heart
Collect everything
all feelings gathered and compressed in jar
no liberation, last time they got out
he did not feel the same way
quiet, no sharing and definitely no explaining
he knew my story and to wound me,
used every bit of it against me
to destroy all the development I have made within me
folding in on myself
stressful feeling in my chest, find myself worried about me
needing time to ask myself when did all this become me
unready,
no preparation for the unfolding, lost my cape
because if my love was real how can I trust another to reciprocate
lost, everything and everybody I thought I knew and know
disoriented, confused, baffled expressions
unaware of everything, family, friends
when I thought, with him I was feeling heaven
doubt, no chance of me and another
every one of him, is the same
uncertainty, every thought or emotions of
connected with another is unsettling
No one gets to get in
Protected
armor, guards, and big pit pull dogs defend this heart
Collect everything
all feelings gathered and compressed in jar
no liberation, last time they got out
he did not feel the same way
quiet, no sharing and definitely no explaining
he knew my story and to wound me,
used every bit of it against me
to destroy all the development I have made within me
folding in on myself
stressful feeling in my chest, find myself worried about me
needing time to ask myself when did all this become me
unready,
no preparation for the unfolding, lost my cape
because if my love was real how can I trust another to reciprocate
lost, everything and everybody I thought I knew and know
disoriented, confused, baffled expressions
unaware of everything, family, friends
when I thought, with him I was feeling heaven
doubt, no chance of me and another
every one of him, is the same
uncertainty, every thought or emotions of
connected with another is unsettling
Trouble Resting
My air is completely emptied out of me
I am not even apart of me
sometimes I lay at night
feeling like I am wide awake next to my sleeping body
resting isn't easy
and my mind has trouble resting down for me
how is this feeling, that has plummeted all the way down to the bottom of my gut
blocking everything inside of me
even my air ways
and this hurt I try to pray away
I don't even know how I am breathing
and I don't know how I can get in my bed
lay down to a dark room and tears that leave stains
when my eyelids do not conceal my eyes
and I'm barely sleeping through the pain
the worst part of feeling this way
is that all this trouble I am having
is probably for nothing
So i pray every night that I rather feel nothing
or that you are feeling something
maybe even thinking about me
and I wish I could experience some type of communication from you
because that would mean that maybe you are feeling this too
I would give anything to tell you I love you again
I don't want to admit that I angry
and I explode in my prays because I think maybe
the God is punishing me again
I'm am a "send" button away from just texting it to you
but embarrassment is humiliatingly
and my already torn heart cant do that to myself
It's almost like I am so close, self destruct
be I think about the things we did
and I just don't want to lose all those things
I am not even apart of me
sometimes I lay at night
feeling like I am wide awake next to my sleeping body
resting isn't easy
and my mind has trouble resting down for me
how is this feeling, that has plummeted all the way down to the bottom of my gut
blocking everything inside of me
even my air ways
and this hurt I try to pray away
I don't even know how I am breathing
and I don't know how I can get in my bed
lay down to a dark room and tears that leave stains
when my eyelids do not conceal my eyes
and I'm barely sleeping through the pain
the worst part of feeling this way
is that all this trouble I am having
is probably for nothing
So i pray every night that I rather feel nothing
or that you are feeling something
maybe even thinking about me
and I wish I could experience some type of communication from you
because that would mean that maybe you are feeling this too
I would give anything to tell you I love you again
I don't want to admit that I angry
and I explode in my prays because I think maybe
the God is punishing me again
I'm am a "send" button away from just texting it to you
but embarrassment is humiliatingly
and my already torn heart cant do that to myself
It's almost like I am so close, self destruct
be I think about the things we did
and I just don't want to lose all those things
Monday, January 5, 2015
No More
I never knew I would one day have to struggle to smile.
After my heart being shattered into pieces once again
I can't manage to trust another person with it again
This pain is unbearable
And at times it arises from nowhere
When I least expect it
Then that's when I find my collapsing to my knees
Into my own tears because my
Tear drops manage to make it to the ground before I did
It's different this time around
Because I admitted to myself and him that I do love him
But now I wish I didn't
Because if I would have held that word to myself
I would of had something inside of my that i didn't allow him to see
I can't even describe this hurt inside of me
Because it's that great
I wouldn't wish it on anyone to feel this way
Especially because I know I'm feeling this alone
I can't even call you because it's no use, because I mostly likely won't pick up the phone
I feel stupid
Humiliated
Unmotivated
Reckless
Played
Lied to
Beaten
And tired
All because I allowed myself to be open, when I knew I shouldn't
I am stupid
I'm angry at myself
And I hate him so bad
I hate when someone speaks of his name
And lord knows that's not the truth
But when he is not present not even as my friend, I pray to God why did he allow for someone else to come into my life just to leave once again
I'm not strong enough for this
And I have to drag myself out of this
I know I deserve to be treated way better than this, by a man that would rather love me first and always than to ever do me wrong
My heart doesn't want to leave him alone
And I hate to have love for someone that's doesn't feel like me
And I can tell this is a one way street
Someday a I wake up praying to God that I know he is blessing me.
But then there are other days when I wake up like a zombie, no emotions just wishing, in my dreams that's is where I can escape from him
And there are other days when I wake up by the sounds of my own crying
I never miss so much sleep
And I never cried so much it's starting to hurt
And don't bother ask me how I'm doing because I will say I'm fine or all right.
Because I really have know idea how I'm doing, and not sure what is pushing me to get through the days
I don't want heartbreak anymore
I just want to move one with the rest of my life
But this has a hold on and I'm fighting for something to release me. Especially since no once had ever fought to keep me
This is the third time I have turned into the throw away.
The practice before you find what you think is real
The filler until you something permanent
But I swear to anyone reading this I will not be that anymore
I'm done
In through
My heart has been through Trauma and no ER wants to see me anymore
So goodbye to love, and good bye to you. Because I worthy of someone genuine, someone nurturing, and someone with emotion
But for now I know I can find that all inside of myself so all I'm trusting for now is Deneen
*praying my prayers are being heard.
After my heart being shattered into pieces once again
I can't manage to trust another person with it again
This pain is unbearable
And at times it arises from nowhere
When I least expect it
Then that's when I find my collapsing to my knees
Into my own tears because my
Tear drops manage to make it to the ground before I did
It's different this time around
Because I admitted to myself and him that I do love him
But now I wish I didn't
Because if I would have held that word to myself
I would of had something inside of my that i didn't allow him to see
I can't even describe this hurt inside of me
Because it's that great
I wouldn't wish it on anyone to feel this way
Especially because I know I'm feeling this alone
I can't even call you because it's no use, because I mostly likely won't pick up the phone
I feel stupid
Humiliated
Unmotivated
Reckless
Played
Lied to
Beaten
And tired
All because I allowed myself to be open, when I knew I shouldn't
I am stupid
I'm angry at myself
And I hate him so bad
I hate when someone speaks of his name
And lord knows that's not the truth
But when he is not present not even as my friend, I pray to God why did he allow for someone else to come into my life just to leave once again
I'm not strong enough for this
And I have to drag myself out of this
I know I deserve to be treated way better than this, by a man that would rather love me first and always than to ever do me wrong
My heart doesn't want to leave him alone
And I hate to have love for someone that's doesn't feel like me
And I can tell this is a one way street
Someday a I wake up praying to God that I know he is blessing me.
But then there are other days when I wake up like a zombie, no emotions just wishing, in my dreams that's is where I can escape from him
And there are other days when I wake up by the sounds of my own crying
I never miss so much sleep
And I never cried so much it's starting to hurt
And don't bother ask me how I'm doing because I will say I'm fine or all right.
Because I really have know idea how I'm doing, and not sure what is pushing me to get through the days
I don't want heartbreak anymore
I just want to move one with the rest of my life
But this has a hold on and I'm fighting for something to release me. Especially since no once had ever fought to keep me
This is the third time I have turned into the throw away.
The practice before you find what you think is real
The filler until you something permanent
But I swear to anyone reading this I will not be that anymore
I'm done
In through
My heart has been through Trauma and no ER wants to see me anymore
So goodbye to love, and good bye to you. Because I worthy of someone genuine, someone nurturing, and someone with emotion
But for now I know I can find that all inside of myself so all I'm trusting for now is Deneen
*praying my prayers are being heard.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
I hate coming across your name in my phone
Because every time I see it
I contemplate whether I should alter it
Change it from my baby
To ur born name
Or just delete it
We don't talk so what's the real use of keeping
Torture myself thinking one these days
Your call might appear
Or even a text asking how I am
Just maybe
my phone might find some use
If I decided to keep it
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