Trouble Resting

My air is completely emptied out of me
I am not even apart of me
sometimes I lay at night
feeling like I am wide awake next to my sleeping body
resting isn't easy
and my mind has trouble resting down for me
how is this feeling, that has plummeted all the way down to the bottom of my gut
blocking everything inside of me
even my air ways
and this hurt I try to pray away
I don't even know how I am breathing
and I don't know how I can get in my bed
lay down to a dark room and tears that leave stains
when my eyelids do not conceal my eyes
and I'm barely sleeping through the pain
the worst part of feeling this way
is that all this trouble I am having
is probably for nothing
So i pray every night that I rather feel nothing
or that you are feeling something
maybe even thinking about me
and I wish I could experience some type of communication from you
because that would mean that maybe you are feeling this too
I would give anything to tell you I love you again
I don't want to admit that I angry
and I explode in my prays because I think maybe
the God is punishing me again
I'm am a "send" button away from just texting it to you
but embarrassment is humiliatingly
and my already torn heart cant do that to myself
It's almost like I am so close, self destruct
be I think about the things we did
and I just don't want to lose all those things

Foolish Heart

I'm covered
No one gets to get in
Protected
armor, guards, and big pit pull dogs defend this heart
Collect everything
all feelings gathered and compressed in jar
no liberation, last time they got out
he did not feel the same way
quiet, no sharing and definitely no explaining
he knew my story and to wound me,
used every bit of it against me
to destroy all the development I have made within me
folding in on myself
stressful feeling in my chest, find myself worried about me
needing time to ask myself when did all this become me
unready,
no preparation for the unfolding,  lost my cape
because if my love was real how can I trust another to reciprocate
lost, everything and everybody I thought I knew and know
disoriented, confused, baffled expressions
unaware of everything, family, friends
when I thought, with him I was feeling heaven
doubt, no chance of me and another
every one of him, is the same
uncertainty, every thought or emotions of
connected with another is unsettling

Over You

thought it would be better by myself... starting to think I was wrong

Social Networking Bust

Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And  I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By  making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
 now  on instgram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
 Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after  a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m  going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your  facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your  status
with the lyrics to my  favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
 so I can find myself,  tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text”  wondering if it  any truth to it
 And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs away
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
uncommencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality  I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never  be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

dream missed

That dream last night
awaken me from my sleep
hoping that dream was actually truth
It felt so real
and it sounded like you
and I couldn't help but feel you
does it have any meaning
did you dream of me like I did of you
did you feel for me like I feel for you
maybe this is a window
and if this is I don't want to keep questioning and miss it
and miss you