Blessing on us Both

I found new love again

And that's only because it was almost perfect

Almost worth it

Courting me as if you were done seeking affection from random misses

And I was the one that made you different 

The one that made you hope for marriage

Playfully but carefully picked out subtle names for subsequent babies 

That you believed, if we had a girl she would drive you crazy 

Bc you explained she would look and act like her mother,

Me 

Your stubborn, strong willed but delicate lady

I wanted to love this man 

Who agreed, our babies would share the same first letter as our names

You would argue, as if I was having your child so bad 

that our first daughter would be named after your favorite football team 

Bc you are a huge Dallas fan

I miss this man 

and it sucks because all I imagine is kissing this man 

But I had to write this poem bc it helps me

Release a little bit of you from me at a time 

Helps me to cope with the reality that you are no longer mine 

Our conversations are now empty and before I could only imagine that what we are putting ourselves through now, could only be a lie

I thought I was close

And now we are both pulling each other on opposite sides of the rope

And I can't trust u to pull me close

And I want to hold you but my hands still burn from the tugging you did on the rope 

And I want to love you but I don't want to tie you. down, for fear that you may just go

I prayed that this could work

I cried Bc of hurt

And I shake with the thought of having to face you one day soon, and know I will have to show u what I wrote,

In Jesus name I cried asking him to heal us both 

Clarify that this is love, and this may work

In your name I pray renew us both 

Get back to what really mattered the most

And relive the night you first met me,

And thought that this girl right here I can't not see her not being beside me

In his name let these words I wrote 

Help me release the control that I think I have and let the One Above workout a blessing on us both

I want to love you

On the Trigger

Sometimes I have this vision

of me loading all your words all into a gun

as if they were bullets

aiming at point blank range

so close, I can feel your heart beat against the muzzle

my finger on the trigger

no witness around to say I did it

so shut up

don't say one more thing

or my finger just may build enough courage to pull it

even though I know I couldn't shoot enough rounds

after reloading a couple times

for you to feel it

to feel the same lies

the same agony

the same shame

the same shots you rang out

as my heart was the target and  I was the range

so please don't say anything

because the words you speak are the reason why we are here now

with this automatic pointed at your chest

and your words bound

I have turned this pain into power now

with the ability to take life and love away

devastate your entire being in the same way you did me

find my way back in your life

just to break you down, while I watch you smile

I should let these bullets fly

while looking only into your eyes

I want you to know how it feels

to have love die inside

after thinking  you were living the best days of your life

and then falling apart after deliberately being hit by the love of your life

see you are my hearts glitch

and I'm trying to find when I fell for you like this

you are no longer my hearts power on switch

so as I lift this pistol,

this is not the time to pitch your sorriest apologies

or grab my hand to clinch

and as I aim I rather you not flinch

for the reason that this gun I drew

is still deciding whether this bullet is still for you

Real Word: Alysia Harris

Thoughts of Me

to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine  until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I'm gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that  you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
 and I can't help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly soothing your world of noise
 by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a "us"
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together

Something I’m working on at this moment

“As I lay here on this night I wish I could reach out to you some how.
Maybe send a “thinking of you” text and hope that you reply within the same hour.
Message each other so much, that our replies turn into paragraphs that forces one of us to call
I wouldn’t mind borrowing your mind and your ears for a while.
And talk about everything that interest us both, into the early morning hours
I could even contact you social networkingly with a subliminal tweet and hope that you read it and think she is definitely talking about me
or send you something through a Facebook feed.
Maybe comment on your status or send you something that only me and you understand and then smile at”

It's been a while

It's been a while 

A very long time since that last time I thought about you

However that distance in time was much need 

To realize you were never worth the pursuit

Never worth my truth

The sky that day our eyes met, showered something for me to love

But those droplets were never intended to land on

Rather they were meant to fall and flow along a stream that would eventually 

Grace the bare feet of a man 

That would only love me from the water he stands on to however far "up" ..travels

To stand next to you is torture.
To look into your eyes is agony.
To feel your embrace is to rip apart my soul
Love is cruel and unusual punishment.
And I savor every last drop of the pain

- my boy Druw

source/peep: Bananaclipse.com

Someone New

He is someone new
interesting
mysterious
yet quietly courageous
he compliments
he is mildly sensitive
intelligent, brings a feeling of free
sense of security
he is a conversationist, the change, the different
the better then before, the hopeful
he is uplifting, protecting,
he is handsome, soft, strong, and loving
the just is right, the how,
he is exciting, random
he is surprising, he is perfect,
he cant be the one for me,
Can He?

Foolish Heart

I'm covered
No one gets to get in
Protected
armor, guards, and big pit pull dogs defend this heart
Collect everything
all feelings gathered and compressed in jar
no liberation, last time they got out
he did not feel the same way
quiet, no sharing and definitely no explaining
he knew my story and to wound me,
used every bit of it against me
to destroy all the development I have made within me
folding in on myself
stressful feeling in my chest, find myself worried about me
needing time to ask myself when did all this become me
unready,
no preparation for the unfolding,  lost my cape
because if my love was real how can I trust another to reciprocate
lost, everything and everybody I thought I knew and know
disoriented, confused, baffled expressions
unaware of everything, family, friends
when I thought, with him I was feeling heaven
doubt, no chance of me and another
every one of him, is the same
uncertainty, every thought or emotions of
connected with another is unsettling

it has been an entire year that we have been apart from each other
and to me that is a good thing
we both had some growing to do and it had to be done with us not being together
we learned to hurt each other the entire time together
and it was just getting worse
we learned to lie to one another and couldn't tell the truth even if it did not hurt
we could not be apart from each other
when being apart from each other for us worked
we could not learn to miss each other
and we could not be away
but one of use had to let the other go for our own sake
the all that time we spent together I want to believe it was real
but for now without you
my head is clear
without the hurt and the pain I see clearly now
that you were everything that I feared but I had to go through it with you and face those fears

Joshua Bennett "Plankton"

530 this morning

The moon is beautiful this morning. Incredible yellow hue. The light path it creates on the water could only lead to heaven. This supposed to be the part where I contact you. Spill all my feels. Or subtly tell you I miss you. I Love you. Instead I remain silent. My fate has been sealed. Last time I had no idea you’d come back. I did not believe you’d be mine. Then by the grace of the gods you were there. This time? I have it in my heart that you will be back. That again we will share life. you won’t. And you don’t. But I’m always right, right? The same part of me that tell me to quit are the same parts that tell me to keep going. I just sit and think. Only real answer I come up with is “why not?”. Just letting the universe take me where it shall, while I try to will it where my lies. Love might be the only thing I believe in, please, don’t fail me now.

 

The homie 

Source/peep: Bananaclipse.com 

Feel the way that you want, just make sure it's real.

Social Networking Bust

Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And  I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By  making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
 now  on instgram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
 Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after  a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m  going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your  facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your  status
with the lyrics to my  favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
 so I can find myself,  tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text”  wondering if it  any truth to it
 And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs away
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
uncommencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality  I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never  be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

He's gone forever

I lost you quicker
A lot faster than I thought you were going to go
Thoughts are not even allowed to linger
and body no longer will experience a tingle
every time you come near, because now you’re gone like the sun going away after the day ends
but the only difference is, you are not coming back again
Gone forever maybe to find out who we really are
without each other
gone forever
and no longer can I ask were are we and where have we gone
because we lost each other during that week
and there is no use in looking for each other because we disappeared and neither of us were meant to be seeked
but the smell of you still lives here and it sensitive to nose
you are gone forever but when your scent travels past my nose
I get this tendency to turn around in hope that you might possibly appear once more
like a car traveling down a one way road,  there’s no way of squeezing another car in for two
he is gone forever
and I did not make you love me, you just did
now he is gone forever, but where does love go when what we had ends
does love keep running until it is all out, or does it just get buried inside of us
until our futures allow us to meet back up
I don’t know if I no longer anticipate seeing your name call my phone
or making sure you are the last face I see before my eyes rest for awhile
he is gone forever
so I anticipate a new beginning and the blurry vision of a man who will one day be the first face I see when I wake up in the morning
already looking back at me
because he did not want to miss awakening of his future

he is gone forever
and maybe that’s why I do not try to think about that as much
and I do not know if it is possible to feel that way again for another. but I am hoping I can
he is gone forever
and I never wanted happily ever after
because that would mean that one day we would eventually end
and that is what exactly happened to us
you are gone from me for ever
and I wished before that I could be all… for you
but he is gone forever and I am nothing at all to you
we are gone forever
and it might not be possible to start new

Sorriest Sorry

Today I thought about, way more than a brief second. Probably for about 5 minutes. Those minutes were long, long enough for me to think about every song we listened to with each other, every late night we ever spent together, and ever conversation we held between each other. I did not plan on thinking about you, it somehow entered my mind. I find no matter how hard I tried, once my mind focuses and clears, you always find a way to reappear. I thought I was over, I thought I was starting new. So I was hoping the reason for my mind hoarding thoughts about you is only because that is its way of disposing you. I haven’t had the heart of saying out loud that I am totally through. For the reason that I believe in speaking things into existence and I still have hope that our time isn’t past due. In those seconds I felt every sensation, that I shared with you, whether its soft and warm because of the way you smiled, or your hands griping my forearm, while I set a fire inside because you said this would be the last time you would ever have to apologize. So I am saying my sorriest sorry because we always discussed that we would always share our feelings for each other, but now we do not talk to one another. But I am thinking about you, All the lies you told when I only ask for your truth, and all those words you spoke to me that feel like irritated gun shot wounds. I am still thinking about you, probably way more than I should. But it’s my mind telling me that you are possibly good or possibly bad you are for me, and these feelings I have for you are just misunderstood. Time will tell but I apologize to you because I thought about you once more and you don’t know. But I have this feeling that you’re feeling something when you enter my mind. So I apologize because we always said we would tell each other out loud. I’m Sorry because your thinking about me now, I can feel it.

For the Love Enthusiasts

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”

-Sigmund Freud