Trouble Resting

My air is completely emptied out of me
I am not even apart of me
sometimes I lay at night
feeling like I am wide awake next to my sleeping body
resting isn't easy
and my mind has trouble resting down for me
how is this feeling, that has plummeted all the way down to the bottom of my gut
blocking everything inside of me
even my air ways
and this hurt I try to pray away
I don't even know how I am breathing
and I don't know how I can get in my bed
lay down to a dark room and tears that leave stains
when my eyelids do not conceal my eyes
and I'm barely sleeping through the pain
the worst part of feeling this way
is that all this trouble I am having
is probably for nothing
So i pray every night that I rather feel nothing
or that you are feeling something
maybe even thinking about me
and I wish I could experience some type of communication from you
because that would mean that maybe you are feeling this too
I would give anything to tell you I love you again
I don't want to admit that I angry
and I explode in my prays because I think maybe
the God is punishing me again
I'm am a "send" button away from just texting it to you
but embarrassment is humiliatingly
and my already torn heart cant do that to myself
It's almost like I am so close, self destruct
be I think about the things we did
and I just don't want to lose all those things

On the Trigger

Sometimes I have this vision

of me loading all your words all into a gun

as if they were bullets

aiming at point blank range

so close, I can feel your heart beat against the muzzle

my finger on the trigger

no witness around to say I did it

so shut up

don't say one more thing

or my finger just may build enough courage to pull it

even though I know I couldn't shoot enough rounds

after reloading a couple times

for you to feel it

to feel the same lies

the same agony

the same shame

the same shots you rang out

as my heart was the target and  I was the range

so please don't say anything

because the words you speak are the reason why we are here now

with this automatic pointed at your chest

and your words bound

I have turned this pain into power now

with the ability to take life and love away

devastate your entire being in the same way you did me

find my way back in your life

just to break you down, while I watch you smile

I should let these bullets fly

while looking only into your eyes

I want you to know how it feels

to have love die inside

after thinking  you were living the best days of your life

and then falling apart after deliberately being hit by the love of your life

see you are my hearts glitch

and I'm trying to find when I fell for you like this

you are no longer my hearts power on switch

so as I lift this pistol,

this is not the time to pitch your sorriest apologies

or grab my hand to clinch

and as I aim I rather you not flinch

for the reason that this gun I drew

is still deciding whether this bullet is still for you