On the Trigger

Sometimes I have this vision

of me loading all your words all into a gun

as if they were bullets

aiming at point blank range

so close, I can feel your heart beat against the muzzle

my finger on the trigger

no witness around to say I did it

so shut up

don't say one more thing

or my finger just may build enough courage to pull it

even though I know I couldn't shoot enough rounds

after reloading a couple times

for you to feel it

to feel the same lies

the same agony

the same shame

the same shots you rang out

as my heart was the target and  I was the range

so please don't say anything

because the words you speak are the reason why we are here now

with this automatic pointed at your chest

and your words bound

I have turned this pain into power now

with the ability to take life and love away

devastate your entire being in the same way you did me

find my way back in your life

just to break you down, while I watch you smile

I should let these bullets fly

while looking only into your eyes

I want you to know how it feels

to have love die inside

after thinking  you were living the best days of your life

and then falling apart after deliberately being hit by the love of your life

see you are my hearts glitch

and I'm trying to find when I fell for you like this

you are no longer my hearts power on switch

so as I lift this pistol,

this is not the time to pitch your sorriest apologies

or grab my hand to clinch

and as I aim I rather you not flinch

for the reason that this gun I drew

is still deciding whether this bullet is still for you

Real Word: Alysia Harris

Thoughts of Me

to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine  until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I'm gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that  you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
 and I can't help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly soothing your world of noise
 by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a "us"
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together

Something I’m working on at this moment

“As I lay here on this night I wish I could reach out to you some how.
Maybe send a “thinking of you” text and hope that you reply within the same hour.
Message each other so much, that our replies turn into paragraphs that forces one of us to call
I wouldn’t mind borrowing your mind and your ears for a while.
And talk about everything that interest us both, into the early morning hours
I could even contact you social networkingly with a subliminal tweet and hope that you read it and think she is definitely talking about me
or send you something through a Facebook feed.
Maybe comment on your status or send you something that only me and you understand and then smile at”

It's been a while

It's been a while 

A very long time since that last time I thought about you

However that distance in time was much need 

To realize you were never worth the pursuit

Never worth my truth

The sky that day our eyes met, showered something for me to love

But those droplets were never intended to land on

Rather they were meant to fall and flow along a stream that would eventually 

Grace the bare feet of a man 

That would only love me from the water he stands on to however far "up" ..travels

To stand next to you is torture.
To look into your eyes is agony.
To feel your embrace is to rip apart my soul
Love is cruel and unusual punishment.
And I savor every last drop of the pain

- my boy Druw

source/peep: Bananaclipse.com

Someone New

He is someone new
interesting
mysterious
yet quietly courageous
he compliments
he is mildly sensitive
intelligent, brings a feeling of free
sense of security
he is a conversationist, the change, the different
the better then before, the hopeful
he is uplifting, protecting,
he is handsome, soft, strong, and loving
the just is right, the how,
he is exciting, random
he is surprising, he is perfect,
he cant be the one for me,
Can He?

530 this morning

The moon is beautiful this morning. Incredible yellow hue. The light path it creates on the water could only lead to heaven. This supposed to be the part where I contact you. Spill all my feels. Or subtly tell you I miss you. I Love you. Instead I remain silent. My fate has been sealed. Last time I had no idea you’d come back. I did not believe you’d be mine. Then by the grace of the gods you were there. This time? I have it in my heart that you will be back. That again we will share life. you won’t. And you don’t. But I’m always right, right? The same part of me that tell me to quit are the same parts that tell me to keep going. I just sit and think. Only real answer I come up with is “why not?”. Just letting the universe take me where it shall, while I try to will it where my lies. Love might be the only thing I believe in, please, don’t fail me now.

 

The homie 

Source/peep: Bananaclipse.com 

Social Networking Bust

Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And  I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By  making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
 now  on instgram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
 Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after  a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m  going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your  facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your  status
with the lyrics to my  favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
 so I can find myself,  tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text”  wondering if it  any truth to it
 And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs away
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
uncommencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality  I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never  be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

Unfolding

I saw you, again
not in person though
and I should probably be thankful for that
because I do not know how I would react if both of our eye sights made contact
like the sun settling in behind the night,
the vision of you disappeared a soon as my mind wished that just a glimpse of you really did appear
and when I saw you, everything was different
a different place, a different space, different people and being there, feeling something like this felt much easier
all this I took in on my own
no games, no whispers, no stares, just me catching glances of something I pray won't end like everything else did
And before ever hoping for something quiet in my world full of noise
I prayed for you before I was even introduced to who you are.
I prayed I would not regret you
and when I saw you again
I just wish I could give you a reason to love me again
Because to me just like when flowers stop blooming, that means maybe paradise has ended,
and one can't help but take that as a sign, that when words stop exchanging there is a possibility this has all come to an end
So if I ever see you again that doesn't mean my feelings for you would never be the same or changed
I just choose to forget because I want all new emotions too bring all new feelings again
to go on and on and on and bring a girl back to being the one who can trust again
so soon,
maybe I will see you or maybe not but if I ever do when I stand in front of you know I'm no longer broken
just unfolding for something that's here to stay.

dream missed

That dream last night
awaken me from my sleep
hoping that dream was actually truth
It felt so real
and it sounded like you
and I couldn't help but feel you
does it have any meaning
did you dream of me like I did of you
did you feel for me like I feel for you
maybe this is a window
and if this is I don't want to keep questioning and miss it
and miss you

First Times

They always say "there's a first time for everything" but why can't this one thing be my last something that I can finally hold onto with out leaving this grasp I wish the first times that happen in certain things can start all over again with just one wish upon shooting star and lasts then it starts all over again in a flash and if there is a first time for everything I then find myself usually anticipating the last because good things come to an end if there is a smalll amount of doubt somewhere in me stashed the first time for anything will never get the chance to live again if uncertainty does pass and the first time for anything thing probably will never be thought again because the first time for anything was never given the second chance

The Non-Fiction

Every night, Before I went to sleep when I was a youngster. I would scream down the steps before (catching my own Z's,)
"Goodnight mommy, Goodnight Daddy I love you"
My mom asked me why did I stop.
I told her I didn't
I whisper it outside of your room, while you both sleep.

I think it's good for you to know I Love y'all so much, I wanna tell you again when I invade your dreams

-Deneen
LoveFully

At night I find myself wishing on that same star that Rose Royce sings about in her song.
I think, if I keep wishing the same wish hard enough, that star will have no other choice but to lead me to where you are.

-Deneen