New: Wounded Rhymes

I didn't want to get use to being apart from you
And I didn't want to have a pattern of past moments frequently playing in My mind because repetition is the only way I can go back and with you, spend time
I Remember when you said you weren't going anywhere, no matter what happens.
But it's going on weeks of not seeing each other
And I remember a time when we couldn't go some time without one
another
Not even hours we had to make sure we saw each other before the night was over
And I can only think that,
why did I believe you?
What did I do wrong?
Why did I not stop this before
"I Really Like you" went to something further?
I was just your space filler, help the time fly by for you until you found another.
Time spent together feels like none of it meant anything,
and thinking back on it all, my memories are detrimental to my heart, because these memories feel like 1,000 deadly bee stings
And now your claiming that we're just friends...
And we both knew it grew to be something more than that. No matter how much we tried to Deny that.
I think back to everything you confessed on that night into the early morning
And can only feel that this was no special thing, it was just collateral so you can have a spring semester fling
Everything you said makes me so angry
That I wish I could commit mass murder to your verbal language.
Because I'm hurting.
Something you expressed to me that you would never do.
But I guess it is possible for whatever this friendship has turned into
I believed in it all
You made me meet you parents and I thought that maybe that this may be real now
You bought someone important to my job and I finalized that maybe I should open up now
And maybe finally take you up on that date,
but I can't see my self holding myself together in front of you for awhile
I told you about the most vulnerable
organ inside me and it's damage
and thought that maybe you were the one who could operate this time.
But instead, my scar lies stretching across my heart
And here you come picking painful at it without even considering the pain your own heart had felt
...with no second thoughts.
How would you feel if you were me?
Probably nothing, because you depended on just words to guide us through
But my words were not what I relied on to show that I care for you.
You said you would never hurt me
But praying and crying myself to sleep is all that my nights know of.
Rest is impossible, when my mind constantly creates mental images of you and your company that I loved.
And I wake up with tears on my pillow case wishing I never met you at all
There is no way you can understand what I'm going through,
because at the end of the day you don't care and you expressed that on certain situations and that's so sad for the reason that,
I care way to much and my pride doesn't matter when I find something genuine and worth all my time
I hate the fact that I care, for the reason that the moments and feelings we shared together still linger here, and I wish I could drown them
but I can't because that I still have hope for them
Its hurts so much to recite a poem that I previously wrote for you
I never had the chance to show you
But These lines were arranged in a way that expressed how much I felt for you
Now they have disheveled and express the hurt that I couldn't verbalize to you
But now my rhymes took a turn to
only be recited with Hurt
And my emotions took a turn for the worst
And my confusion has escalated so high that confusion is frustrated with itself & it can only burst
And I wish my head didn't jump into all this headfirst
And I'm angry with myself because you are embedded in my mind & I wish you could feel what I feel if this situation was reversed
These lines I wrote for you were once bundles of emotional & passionate lines now they explain the confusion and the false perception you created for us two
These lines have transformed into wounded rhymes
I once wrote to you
"Beautiful has been made up in my mind that beautiful is when you look at me"
with wide eyes you use look at me and say I was beautiful,
Now I can only look back fighting myself not cry, because those same words are being told to another
I thought those same eyes once looked at me in a way that only wanted to focus on us, well that is what I thought.
I wrote
"Eyes staring like your eyes are apart of me, even though they are placed on another body
When your eyes gaze at me, they seem to piece every single missing part of me together constituting me as a whole"
now Im missing piece that i had before you,
And the biggest piece in me I couldn't keep safe or have kept,
And the Beating in my chest, you happen to have stolen,
And that beating in my chest was better then any song or beat we have ever listened to and it's gone,
and no Casey veggies song could make up for the missing piece inside of me.
I wanted to finish that poem but there may be no reason too
I want to hate you so bad but I can't
I want to stop playing every song that I love and feel in love with, along
with you, because they remind me of all the songs I wish I could be sick of
But I'm can't
I'm just going to continue to pray for you, and myself
Because I have no hate in my heart for you, for the reason that I still like you that much.
I just hope you find that happiness and you follow it through, but I must confess no matter how many tears I shed now.
I was at my peak happiness when I was with you.

Blessing on us Both

I found new love again

And that's only because it was almost perfect

Almost worth it

Courting me as if you were done seeking affection from random misses

And I was the one that made you different 

The one that made you hope for marriage

Playfully but carefully picked out subtle names for subsequent babies 

That you believed, if we had a girl she would drive you crazy 

Bc you explained she would look and act like her mother,

Me 

Your stubborn, strong willed but delicate lady

I wanted to love this man 

Who agreed, our babies would share the same first letter as our names

You would argue, as if I was having your child so bad 

that our first daughter would be named after your favorite football team 

Bc you are a huge Dallas fan

I miss this man 

and it sucks because all I imagine is kissing this man 

But I had to write this poem bc it helps me

Release a little bit of you from me at a time 

Helps me to cope with the reality that you are no longer mine 

Our conversations are now empty and before I could only imagine that what we are putting ourselves through now, could only be a lie

I thought I was close

And now we are both pulling each other on opposite sides of the rope

And I can't trust u to pull me close

And I want to hold you but my hands still burn from the tugging you did on the rope 

And I want to love you but I don't want to tie you. down, for fear that you may just go

I prayed that this could work

I cried Bc of hurt

And I shake with the thought of having to face you one day soon, and know I will have to show u what I wrote,

In Jesus name I cried asking him to heal us both 

Clarify that this is love, and this may work

In your name I pray renew us both 

Get back to what really mattered the most

And relive the night you first met me,

And thought that this girl right here I can't not see her not being beside me

In his name let these words I wrote 

Help me release the control that I think I have and let the One Above workout a blessing on us both

I want to love you

Trouble Resting

My air is completely emptied out of me
I am not even apart of me
sometimes I lay at night
feeling like I am wide awake next to my sleeping body
resting isn't easy
and my mind has trouble resting down for me
how is this feeling, that has plummeted all the way down to the bottom of my gut
blocking everything inside of me
even my air ways
and this hurt I try to pray away
I don't even know how I am breathing
and I don't know how I can get in my bed
lay down to a dark room and tears that leave stains
when my eyelids do not conceal my eyes
and I'm barely sleeping through the pain
the worst part of feeling this way
is that all this trouble I am having
is probably for nothing
So i pray every night that I rather feel nothing
or that you are feeling something
maybe even thinking about me
and I wish I could experience some type of communication from you
because that would mean that maybe you are feeling this too
I would give anything to tell you I love you again
I don't want to admit that I angry
and I explode in my prays because I think maybe
the God is punishing me again
I'm am a "send" button away from just texting it to you
but embarrassment is humiliatingly
and my already torn heart cant do that to myself
It's almost like I am so close, self destruct
be I think about the things we did
and I just don't want to lose all those things

On the Trigger

Sometimes I have this vision

of me loading all your words all into a gun

as if they were bullets

aiming at point blank range

so close, I can feel your heart beat against the muzzle

my finger on the trigger

no witness around to say I did it

so shut up

don't say one more thing

or my finger just may build enough courage to pull it

even though I know I couldn't shoot enough rounds

after reloading a couple times

for you to feel it

to feel the same lies

the same agony

the same shame

the same shots you rang out

as my heart was the target and  I was the range

so please don't say anything

because the words you speak are the reason why we are here now

with this automatic pointed at your chest

and your words bound

I have turned this pain into power now

with the ability to take life and love away

devastate your entire being in the same way you did me

find my way back in your life

just to break you down, while I watch you smile

I should let these bullets fly

while looking only into your eyes

I want you to know how it feels

to have love die inside

after thinking  you were living the best days of your life

and then falling apart after deliberately being hit by the love of your life

see you are my hearts glitch

and I'm trying to find when I fell for you like this

you are no longer my hearts power on switch

so as I lift this pistol,

this is not the time to pitch your sorriest apologies

or grab my hand to clinch

and as I aim I rather you not flinch

for the reason that this gun I drew

is still deciding whether this bullet is still for you

Real Word: Alysia Harris

Thoughts of Me

to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine  until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I'm gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that  you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
 and I can't help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly soothing your world of noise
 by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a "us"
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together

Something I’m working on at this moment

“As I lay here on this night I wish I could reach out to you some how.
Maybe send a “thinking of you” text and hope that you reply within the same hour.
Message each other so much, that our replies turn into paragraphs that forces one of us to call
I wouldn’t mind borrowing your mind and your ears for a while.
And talk about everything that interest us both, into the early morning hours
I could even contact you social networkingly with a subliminal tweet and hope that you read it and think she is definitely talking about me
or send you something through a Facebook feed.
Maybe comment on your status or send you something that only me and you understand and then smile at”

It's been a while

It's been a while 

A very long time since that last time I thought about you

However that distance in time was much need 

To realize you were never worth the pursuit

Never worth my truth

The sky that day our eyes met, showered something for me to love

But those droplets were never intended to land on

Rather they were meant to fall and flow along a stream that would eventually 

Grace the bare feet of a man 

That would only love me from the water he stands on to however far "up" ..travels

"16 Bars for Kendrick Lamar"

"On Things of Which I am Ashamed" Zora Howard

To stand next to you is torture.
To look into your eyes is agony.
To feel your embrace is to rip apart my soul
Love is cruel and unusual punishment.
And I savor every last drop of the pain

- my boy Druw

source/peep: Bananaclipse.com

made it to the midnight hour

Someone New

He is someone new
interesting
mysterious
yet quietly courageous
he compliments
he is mildly sensitive
intelligent, brings a feeling of free
sense of security
he is a conversationist, the change, the different
the better then before, the hopeful
he is uplifting, protecting,
he is handsome, soft, strong, and loving
the just is right, the how,
he is exciting, random
he is surprising, he is perfect,
he cant be the one for me,
Can He?

Foolish Heart

I'm covered
No one gets to get in
Protected
armor, guards, and big pit pull dogs defend this heart
Collect everything
all feelings gathered and compressed in jar
no liberation, last time they got out
he did not feel the same way
quiet, no sharing and definitely no explaining
he knew my story and to wound me,
used every bit of it against me
to destroy all the development I have made within me
folding in on myself
stressful feeling in my chest, find myself worried about me
needing time to ask myself when did all this become me
unready,
no preparation for the unfolding,  lost my cape
because if my love was real how can I trust another to reciprocate
lost, everything and everybody I thought I knew and know
disoriented, confused, baffled expressions
unaware of everything, family, friends
when I thought, with him I was feeling heaven
doubt, no chance of me and another
every one of him, is the same
uncertainty, every thought or emotions of
connected with another is unsettling

Joshua Bennett "Plankton"

530 this morning

The moon is beautiful this morning. Incredible yellow hue. The light path it creates on the water could only lead to heaven. This supposed to be the part where I contact you. Spill all my feels. Or subtly tell you I miss you. I Love you. Instead I remain silent. My fate has been sealed. Last time I had no idea you’d come back. I did not believe you’d be mine. Then by the grace of the gods you were there. This time? I have it in my heart that you will be back. That again we will share life. you won’t. And you don’t. But I’m always right, right? The same part of me that tell me to quit are the same parts that tell me to keep going. I just sit and think. Only real answer I come up with is “why not?”. Just letting the universe take me where it shall, while I try to will it where my lies. Love might be the only thing I believe in, please, don’t fail me now.

 

The homie 

Source/peep: Bananaclipse.com 

Depth Over Distance

"you didn't call to say you missed me, you didn't call to say you cared."

Social Networking Bust

Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And  I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By  making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
 now  on instgram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
 Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after  a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m  going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your  facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your  status
with the lyrics to my  favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
 so I can find myself,  tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text”  wondering if it  any truth to it
 And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs away
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
uncommencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality  I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never  be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

He's gone forever

I lost you quicker
A lot faster than I thought you were going to go
Thoughts are not even allowed to linger
and body no longer will experience a tingle
every time you come near, because now you’re gone like the sun going away after the day ends
but the only difference is, you are not coming back again
Gone forever maybe to find out who we really are
without each other
gone forever
and no longer can I ask were are we and where have we gone
because we lost each other during that week
and there is no use in looking for each other because we disappeared and neither of us were meant to be seeked
but the smell of you still lives here and it sensitive to nose
you are gone forever but when your scent travels past my nose
I get this tendency to turn around in hope that you might possibly appear once more
like a car traveling down a one way road,  there’s no way of squeezing another car in for two
he is gone forever
and I did not make you love me, you just did
now he is gone forever, but where does love go when what we had ends
does love keep running until it is all out, or does it just get buried inside of us
until our futures allow us to meet back up
I don’t know if I no longer anticipate seeing your name call my phone
or making sure you are the last face I see before my eyes rest for awhile
he is gone forever
so I anticipate a new beginning and the blurry vision of a man who will one day be the first face I see when I wake up in the morning
already looking back at me
because he did not want to miss awakening of his future

he is gone forever
and maybe that’s why I do not try to think about that as much
and I do not know if it is possible to feel that way again for another. but I am hoping I can
he is gone forever
and I never wanted happily ever after
because that would mean that one day we would eventually end
and that is what exactly happened to us
you are gone from me for ever
and I wished before that I could be all… for you
but he is gone forever and I am nothing at all to you
we are gone forever
and it might not be possible to start new

Sorriest Sorry

Today I thought about, way more than a brief second. Probably for about 5 minutes. Those minutes were long, long enough for me to think about every song we listened to with each other, every late night we ever spent together, and ever conversation we held between each other. I did not plan on thinking about you, it somehow entered my mind. I find no matter how hard I tried, once my mind focuses and clears, you always find a way to reappear. I thought I was over, I thought I was starting new. So I was hoping the reason for my mind hoarding thoughts about you is only because that is its way of disposing you. I haven’t had the heart of saying out loud that I am totally through. For the reason that I believe in speaking things into existence and I still have hope that our time isn’t past due. In those seconds I felt every sensation, that I shared with you, whether its soft and warm because of the way you smiled, or your hands griping my forearm, while I set a fire inside because you said this would be the last time you would ever have to apologize. So I am saying my sorriest sorry because we always discussed that we would always share our feelings for each other, but now we do not talk to one another. But I am thinking about you, All the lies you told when I only ask for your truth, and all those words you spoke to me that feel like irritated gun shot wounds. I am still thinking about you, probably way more than I should. But it’s my mind telling me that you are possibly good or possibly bad you are for me, and these feelings I have for you are just misunderstood. Time will tell but I apologize to you because I thought about you once more and you don’t know. But I have this feeling that you’re feeling something when you enter my mind. So I apologize because we always said we would tell each other out loud. I’m Sorry because your thinking about me now, I can feel it.