No More

I never knew I would one day have to struggle to smile.
After my heart being shattered into pieces once again
I can't manage to trust another person with it again
This pain is unbearable
And at times it arises from nowhere
When I least expect it
Then that's when I find my collapsing to my knees
Into my own tears because my
Tear drops manage to make it to the ground before I did
It's different this time around
Because I admitted to myself and him that I do love him
But now I wish I didn't
Because if I would have held that word to myself
I would of had something inside of my that i didn't allow him to see
I can't even describe this hurt inside of me
Because it's that great
I wouldn't wish it on anyone to feel this way
Especially because I know I'm feeling this alone
I can't even call you because it's no use, because I mostly likely won't pick up the phone
I feel stupid
Humiliated
Unmotivated
Reckless
Played
Lied to
Beaten
And tired
All because I allowed myself to be open, when I knew I shouldn't
I am stupid
I'm angry at myself
And I hate him so bad
I hate when someone speaks of his name
And lord knows that's not the truth
But when he is not present not even as my friend, I pray to God why did he allow for someone else to come into my life just to leave once again
I'm not strong enough for this
And I have to drag myself out of this
I know I deserve to be treated way better than this, by a man that would rather love me first and always than to ever do me wrong
My heart doesn't want to leave him alone
And I hate to have love for someone that's doesn't feel like me
And I can tell this is a one way street
Someday a I wake up praying to God that I know he is blessing me.
But then there are other days when I wake up like a zombie, no emotions just wishing, in my dreams that's is where I can escape from him
And there are other days when I wake up by the sounds of my own crying
I never miss so much sleep
And I never cried so much it's starting to hurt
And don't bother ask me how I'm doing because I will say I'm fine or all right.
Because I really have know idea how I'm doing, and not sure what is pushing me to get through the days
I don't want heartbreak anymore
I just want to move one with the rest of my life
But this has a hold on and I'm fighting for something to release me. Especially since no once had ever fought to keep me
This is the third time I have turned into the throw away.
The practice before you find what you think is real
The filler until you something permanent
But I swear to anyone reading this I will not be that anymore
I'm done
In through
My heart has been through Trauma and no ER wants to see me anymore
So goodbye to love, and good bye to you. Because I worthy of someone genuine, someone nurturing, and someone with emotion
But for now I know I can find that all inside of myself so all I'm trusting for now is Deneen



*praying my prayers are being heard.